Decorate Your Soul

Until I decide I won't, I am penning, these blog posts in support of my ongoing sacred journey course,“Creating a Life of Contentment,"  which began Sept. 15. For one entire year, we'll be traveling together as intimate companions: to relax, let go and rest into Love; to discover the bliss of our own life.

Decorate Your Soul

"Plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers."

 ~ Veronica Shoffstall*

I've carried this thought within me for many years now and have found it to be true ...

I remember a time—the stuff of which many relationships were made—that I'd wait for others to do nice things, romantic things, supportive things for me.

I'd wait. And wait. And then, when nothing showed up, when no efforts were made, I'd hold a grudge or ruminate on how disappointed I was that this person didn't give me what I felt I needed.

Hmpfh ...

When I lost my health, I had to learn how to give myself what I needed. This was difficult at first because, very honestly, as women, we give so much of ourselves to everyone. And when we are sick, or down and out, it's really nice to sit back and hope others will take as good care of us as we would them.

This doesn't always happen. Perhaps you have firsthand knowledge of this.

So, in time, I learned about self-love practices. Self-love allowed me to give myself the care and attention I needed in the moment ... to not wait (grudgingly) for someone else to give me what I hoped could make me feel better.

Like flowers. Or a nice home-cooked meal. Or help with the housework or child-care. Or a hug. I had to learn to give those to myself.

Peter McWilliams, author of Love 101 (quoting Oscar Wilde), describes it this way: "To love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

To love ourselves with ardor and passion and devotion is not a selfish thing, but a self-aware thing. It is fortifying and affirming to lavish ourselves with the love we pour onto others. It is healing. And it can be very romantic too ...


I've discovered that self-love is the key to living a life of Contentment. If we like who we are and can give ourselves the same kind of care and attention we'd give others (without resentment), we can be happy. We serve as friend and lover to ourselves.

And when we do we become whole unto ourselves. Holy. Healed.

It takes time to engage with our self in this way, to grow into self-love, but it is possible, one self-nurturing choice at a time.

Today, consider decorating your own soul. Do it with generosity and leave the guilt behind. Do it with an open heart and receive it with one too.

Then savor the experience. An experience of self-love will be yours.

Today I celebrate that I find myself in this sacrosanct place (well, most of the time anyway). And because I do not hold onto shoulds or expectations about what others can do to make me happy, surprises come. Delightful expressions of love from your dear ones that you don't expect.

Like a bouquet of deep yellow roses. "Gold Strike" is their given name and my husband brought them home to me last night.

I think I've stuck gold, don't you? The flowers and the man? The path?

If no one brings you roses today, buy yourself some. Decorate your soul. Contentment can be yours.

~~~~~

*Here is Veronica Shoffstalls' poem, "After a While," the inspiration for this post, in its entirety:

 

 After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman,

not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn.

©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

~~~~

If you find that you get stuck in disappointment around the actions of others, consider joining me for my next tele-class, "The Spiritual Invitation of Disappointment"

Wednesday, Dec. 7: 7:00 - 8:30 p.m. EDT

Learn more and register here.

Forgive, Let Go, Move On

One of the thornier issues of life is forgiveness.

We associate forgiveness with giving in, relinquishing a hurt or source of anger for the sake of peacemaking. In doing so, it may feel like—in the forgiving—we are giving up a part of ourselves to rectify the situation. In this case, forgiveness may look quite prickly. What if we could shift our perception of forgiveness, revealing the beauteous gift within, a rose of our own making? Can we look at the act of forgiveness in a new light?

Often in my life, I've found myself stubbornly holding to my point of view when a point of conflict would arise. It was so important to be right! I'd dig in my heels. Not surprisingly arguments would ensue, for if one or both partners passionately holds to what they believe is "right," there is little room for forgiveness to find its way in. Grudges and resentment build, and, over time, a great sludgy mess is created.

Another pattern I often found myself in was to tire of the ensuing conflict and just plain give in to get it over with. To self-sacrifice what I knew to be true for me for the sake of peace did not result in peace either, but more resentment. Over time, either of these patterns could be quite destructive to any relationship.

Today I view the act of forgiveness much differently. It is no longer, "giving in" or "giving up." It is "letting go." Letting go of my need to be right. Letting go of my need to have the last word. Letting go of my need to convince someone of my point of view. And most importantly, it is not letting someone else off the hook.

This seems to me to be the primary roadblock to a new understanding of forgiveness. We believe, on some level, that by forgiving someone we are letting them off easy. They have hurt us or committed what we perceive to be a wrongful act. So if we forgive them, it somehow condones what they did or diminishes the power of the act in some way.

A friend of mine, Eldonna Edwards Bouton, authored a book about forgiveness:
Loose Ends: A Journaling Tool for Tying Up the Incomplete Details of Your Life and Heart. She describes the act of forgiving in this way:

"Imagine the person that you cannot forgive as someone who once held a fishing pole. They've set down the pole and gone on to other things, perhaps even hurting others. In the meantime, you are still floundering in the murky waters of the past, snagged on their hook. As long as you are spending precious energy resenting, hating and being angry, you will be unable to swim freely. What I am asking you to do is gently remove the hook that keeps you entangled in the past "

In this way, forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, it is letting yourself off the hook. Isn't that a wonderful way to look at forgiveness? Knowing this, couldn't it be much easier to forgive someone? If the situation in question is not about being right, or about retribution, but about personal freedom, wouldn't that make all the difference in the world? For me, it has.

Today, when I find myself experiencing a difference of opinion with someone (especially about a perceived hurt), I have a choice how to look at it. I can expend emotional energy trying to prove myself right or make someone else see the "wrongness" of what they did. Or I can let the situation go, release myself from its emotional intensity, and move on.

This is not to say that in many situations it is not right to stand up for what we know to be right and true. Or that justice should be served; wrongdoing brought to light. That goes without saying. But in many other situations, we waste precious time and energy attempting to make someone see the error of their ways, because after all, can we ever really change anybody?
 
The only person we can change or have control over is us, and when we engage in forgiveness we
are gifting ourselves with personal freedom. By forgiving, I am free to let go and move on to the next enlightening experience. Seen in an even broader light, an act of forgiveness is an act of self-healing.

Granting forgiveness to another may be the greatest act of self-love and self-healing we can perform.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing by any means. But by not forgiving, we continue to add to our own sack of pain. Why not lighten the load and lay down those grudges and resentments of great weight, and walk more lightly through life? One of my goals in 2010 is to forgive any and all who need forgiving in my life. In doing so, I will dance through this new year, a much lighter, brighter woman.

How about you?

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts ...  


(Image courtesy of www.chrishallsculptures.co.uk)



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You're invited! Beginning Sunday, January 3 at my other blog, Awake Is Good, I'll be hosting a 28-Day Meditation Challenge. 


If you are someone who has struggled with meditation, or has difficulty staying faithful to the process, join our virtual sangha for tips, insights, and support. I"ll have special guest experts, book giveaways, a timely free teleconference, and more!


Stillness and greater inner peace can be yours. It's just a click away!