Dearest friends,
Welcome! I am so happy you are here with me in this place—a gathering of women—a circle of sisters eager to journey together in a new way.
I've been belaboring for weeks now (with a healthy case of the jitters) what my first post would be on. I wanted it to be wonderful, evocative, invitational, supportive. I wanted it to be everything.
And because I have taken a "Vow of Transparency," I am going to honestly share with you what I think this pre-blog wiggly feeling inside stuff is all about. I didn't realize it until this morning.
It's about an old pattern that bites me in the butt when I least expect it. I think I'm doing fine; I'm enlightening a little more each day. And wham! One of those deep-seated patterns that I'm sure I've let go of is back with a vengeance.
Mine is perfection.
Yep, that nasty "P" word that plagues most women. It's a preposterous "P" that says we are not enough— that we must be more, do more, get it right, and do it so well that people like us, even applaud us.
How crazy is that?
But it's true, most of us have that disempowering voice whispering to us throughout the day. Subconsciously, we base many of our life choices on what this voice says. Be more, do more...
Case in point. Here I am, eager to make my first post and I'm entertaining feelings of "getting it right." At the same time, I am pushing myself to get my house tidied up because my mother is coming to stay for 3 days.
So the Martha Stewart voice (she's a version of the nasty "P") starts talking to me and, just when I intend to sit down and write this post from a nice, relaxed space, she's telling me to keep moving because Mom is coming and she's pointing out everything that is a mess in my house. Which is completely ridiculous because my mother doesn't give a rip about the condition of my house. She is coming just to be with me—ME!—not my house.
But, as I said, old patterns die hard, and because I am passionate about living an awakened life as my truest self, I take some time to look at that pattern. I sit and breathe and observe. I stop myself from getting sucked in to P's clutches and soothe myself. I enfold myself in compassion and say, "You are enough."
This is what I hope we will do on this site in this "Room of Our Own." We will take a collective Vow of Transparency and be honest—with each other as witness—openhearted about ourselves, our journeys, our challenges as women on the path.
We will take off our masks and move into enoughness.
We will accept each other as we are and encourage one another to embrace our essence: that womanly essence of divine beauty who is holy and whole—Enough.
I'm curious.
What voice might you be hearing today that keeps you from embracing your enoughness?
And thank you for being here. My heart is doing the happy dance today because I am back in the company of kindred women. Joy!
Special thanks goes to the gorgeous and talented Caroline of Beautiful Blog Headers and Whimsy Whispers for creating this stunning site for me. I am so very grateful. Thank you, dear heart, you are a gem!
May blessings surround you,
Jan
(Note: If you have arrived at this site from a place other than Awake is Good, my other blog, I suggest you return there to read a bit more about how this blog came to be.)
38 comments:
Congrats on your new blog -- and I can't wait to return for more. Today you struck a chord with your discussion on "perfectionism." That same demon has dogged me throughout most of my life, and I still battle it. May I share an essay I wrote about this topic several years ago? It's included in my essay collection, and I ran it on my blog a while back. Here's the link to it:
http://www.laferle.com/?p=714
Again, congrats!
Jan,
What a lovely new blog space! I swear, the collective unconscious is at work...I just sent a WomenBloom newsletter out with an essay I wrote a few months back about the Room Of Our Own idea. Virginia Woolf's essay of course refers to writing literature but I like to think of Our Room as a space for us to find ourselves and nurture ourselves in the midst of the craziness. A space like this one!
Perfection? Let me count the ways. For me, it's trusting that I'm a very capable woman and that I will do a good job. And that I can let go of the anticipatory arenaline anxiety that comes with self-doubt. How many experiences does it take to disconfirm one's deeply held beliefs?? Apparently, for me, many thousands :)
Beautiful new space, I look forward to visiting often.
Well done!
Jan,
Congratulations on your new blog. It's beautiful.
I love that, "The Vow of Transparency."
I'm giving my neighbor a birthday party this evening. In the past I would have gone all out on food, flowers and getting all just right.
Instead everyone is bringing something. I purchased nothing extra and know the energy of my husband and I, the energy of our friends and the energy in our home will make it a fantastic and fun experience.
The older I get the more simple I want life to be.
What voice prevents me from embracing my enoughness? Great question!
I have never really pondered this, Jan. I guess it's the voice I hope to one day still, but when? When I have a blog post that attains 100 comments or when other kinds of Internet numbers like that are attained? Or achievement with my music? Or when I finally live in a house that's not being remodeled. (I might wait a long, long time for thatlast one.) :)
Hmmn, when indeed. Very thought provoking. And I will probably think on this more as I go about today, maybe more will unfold to me.
Thanks, Jan.
Jan, your new home is so inviting! I believe having a community of sisterhood is very important in our lives, so I thank you for giving us that place.
Tabitha~ichoosebliss
Jan, I too suffer from perfectionism. I am very hard on myself and tend to set standards so high that I can't even reach them. I am trying to be better about this...but it is a hard habit to break. I am so excited about your new home here...I am a hoping to grow and learn from the wisdom of wonderful women here.
Peace.
Lovely site. I'm excited to see where this will go. I've been lurking at your other blog for some time now. I'm a little shy!
Hello Jan, thank you for inviting me over to check out this lovely space! I absolutely adore the idea! In fact, I have had my heart set on having 'a sacred space to call my own' for the last long while - as a writer, I am dying for the day I can get my desk and set up my corner! These things take time -meanwhile, I am learning to make space within my inner being for 'that sacred room' to exist now ~for it is as we lead from the inside out that we are able to enjoy then the beauty of the external -knowing where it flowed from~ this place of due plenty! ;) I am learning that 'enough' is all about 'loving myself' and making time to do this daily! I overstimulate myself a lot and am learning to draw limitations and a 'respect-line' because I finally believe I'm worthy! ;) Much luv to you and I can't wait to follow! I really enjoyed this site also based off of Virginia Woolf's quote which I have always loved!
http://www.matrifocus.com/LAM06/feminism-first-wave.htm
enjoy! Namaste! ~Jen
Dearest Friends, Old and New,
Thank you for jumpstarting my day with all these lovely comments. What a soulful bunch!
Cindy,
I like your description of perfectionism as a demon. That is often what it feels like to me. Sarah Ban Breathnach (Simple Abundance) once wrote that "Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order." I know when I read that I felt sick inside. I thought to myself, how could I be so very mean to myself as to treat myself in this way.
From that moment on, I have vowed to eliminate it from my life, but it does take time. We are a work in progress. May we be gentle and kind to ourselves. And thank you for the link. I remember that article. I hope others will read it too. :-)
Allison,
Oh, too funny, I do think this is a holy synchronicity that happens with like-minded others at certain times. I will look forward to your version of "Room." Lots of opportunities, lots of invitations to continue to let go of what keeps us from being strong and true....Oh, yes...
Tess,
I loved how you listened to your wise self about the dinner party and said "I am enough." This is very cool! Have a great time and savor your enoughness. :-)
Jannie,
You really do give voice to what many of us feel. When is it ever enough? Work, home, family, goals, weight, appearance, even blog stats!!! May we all ponder this and come back to share our noticings.
Tabitha,
Welcome. So glad you are here, sister. :-)
Caroline,
My husband often reminds me that I am harder on myself than anyone. I guess that is why I love Metta so much-- because it continues to soften my attitude and feelings toward myself. I am confident we will all grow through this together. p.s. Are you noticing all the "beautiful blog" comments, Ms. Creatrix? Hugs!
Twila,
Well I am so glad you are here. :-) Hey, lurking is just fine. So is silence. I am thrilled you've decided to test the waters. I assure you a kind and compassionate community of women will form...Blessings to you.
Hi Jan!
I love, love, love the story on your other blog about how this blog came to be! I wish I had been there, back in the 90s, with you and your fellow wild women.
Perfection. It nags at me constantly, too. I never feel like what I do is good enough, or fast enough, or done at the right time.
And I also never think I know as much as everyone else. I always tell myself that everyone else has that one essential piece of knowledge that I'm missing, so I often can't move on to actually do what I set out to do. I waste time looking for information, rather than following through on my plans.
That's how I ended up with hundreds of cookbooks. I thought I needed just one more, one more, one more, and then I'd have all the recipes I'd ever need. I have finally stopped adding to my cookbook collection/obsession, though. And I'm happy to say that looking for just the right cookbooks did not keep me from actually cooking and feeding my family.
:0)
Now it's keeping me from doing all the art I want to do, though. It's always something. . .
Sorry if I was rambling!
:0)
Hi Jan,
Congratulations on the launch of your new blog! I love the look and feel of it.
As for me, I am struggling with believing in myself. I know that I am capable of what it is that I want to achieve and so on but I often wonder if the things I want to achieve can happen for me.
Writing it down makes me realize how crazy it sounds which helps me and is sort of an answer to a prayer that I gave this morning. Thank you. :)
Congratulations on this lovely space. I only just found Awake is Good today through a comment you left on someone else's blog, and I'm glad I did.
I think the horrible p of perfection is closely related to another p - procrastination. After all, if you can't do it perfectly, what will people think?? So let's put it off. At least that's what I do.
congratulations,Jan!
Thank you for your wishes at my blog and inviting me over here.
The blog looks beautiful and a wonderful place for women to interact and inspire one another.
I am basically very shy and take time to open up and I hope this gathering of women will help me shed my insecurities.
looking forward to many wonderful posts.
blessings for abundance
sema
Congratulations on this new blog! I love it! :) I think the thing that holds me back the most is fear. I'm afraid of being not enough and that fear holds me back from embracing my "enoughness". I'm working on dealing with that fear though!
This is the letter I wrote to myself today:
Dear K,
Your heart is opening so tenderly to all that is here.
I see that you are scared about the weather at Spirit Rock and whether you will have enough clothing to keep you warm. I see that you fear pain in the neck, back, shoulders, knees, etc, as you sit for 7 whole days.
I see that you feel guilty about leaving your family, especially N who needs your love and support. What will she do without your voice, your kisses, your warm embrace for 7 days and nights?
Still, you know that you need this trip, this special place to deepen compassion for yourself, to learn more ways to let go of judgment and guilt, and to trust the intuitive healer within you and in every being you have and will ever meet.
Know that I am here with you, feeling all you feel, watching your heart soften until it dissolves into everything you see, and love is everywhere.
Love and Peace,
Your Compassionate Spirit
****
Awakened Living is so beautiful, as is your exploration of that doubting voice. It's been with me these last few days before I leave for my retreat this Friday. The letter I wrote was an invitation to allow all that is here.
I am also thrilled for the invitation here.
Congratulations on your new blog which I'm sure is going to be as successful as your Wild Women's gathering back in the days!
I agree with The Bold Life - "The older I get the more simple I want life to be." In addition to that luckily I feel that the older I get the less I care about what other people think about me. No more wasted energy on that sort of thinking. :-)
we celebrate new beginnings with you today Jan
and may I suggest an alternative "p" word of Place - something you are so good at creating, both in real and virtual spaces
I look forward to joining you on the journey in this new place, this space called "a room of her own"
Congratulations with your new blog! I have a feeling that it will be a success!
I struggle with the P word too. To the extent that I try to make my boyfriend "perfect." For example he does house chores a certain way and I correct him (not in a nice way sometimes)and show him how and when to do it. I shouldn't be doing that.
I look forward to reading and sharing with all the beautiful women who visit this site.
I struggle with overcommittment. I feel that if I say I will be there, I must be there or do the job, or attain the goal, or meet the deadline. I put so much pressure on myself to BE for others that I forget to do selfcare.
Just today, I was humbled into reality again. I failed to meet my goal weight in my workplace wellness program. Back in January I made a committment to loose 5% of my body wt. by Sept. 30. I lost and gained a few pounds for 9 months, I tried giving up all pop and became very moody, I tried smaller portions and now it all seems for nothing.
I value a "Room of Our Own" here to find support in my daily journey and to provide support to others. We are all one here and through our experiences we can all help eachother achieve a greater good for ourselves.
Thank you, Jan, for this amazing site and for your continued support and encouragement. I hope we can also provide the same blessings back to you.
All love, Julie
Beautifully done, Jan! I love what you've done here, and what a wonderful way to explore our essence. For me, I find that perfection lies in the imperfection. Is there anything more beautiful than the truth in seeing our flaws? Best wishes here ...
Jan, I had to laugh when I read about the "Martha Stewart voice" because I hear it, too! No worries - you've created a beautiful space here. Celebrate that. Thank you for the warm welcome.
What a great idea for a blog. But you know that it means yet more time spent reading and posting. When I got here you already had 21 comments!!
Hmmm perfectionism. I USED to have that inside me but I read a quote in a book about yoga which said "When are you going to accept yourself and start living?" That was an 'aha' moment for me. Also, perfectionism is a drag because you are doomed to fail. Life is about making mistakes and learning. At least you are aware of the Martha Stewart voice - that's half the battle. I know some people who proclaim they are perfectionists as if that is something to be proud of - as if they are better for being that way!
My current 'unhelpful voice' is one that stops me being 'transparent and honest' (a good poilcy by the way and one I aspire to). It is a fear of confrontation - a fear of anger. I know someone who has a very 'angry' personality and in response I am cowering away and not being my true self. At first I didn't know what was going on when I found myself lying to her. Now I have at least identified what is going on - but still not sure how to resolve it.
I'm going to have to come back tomorrow morning to read all the comments here, but I wanted to at least say for now, Congratulations and Thank you. I look forward to being a part of this community. Perfectionism has been my companion far too long, but I didn't recognize her because I thought a 'perfectionist' would be far more, well, perfect, than I ever hoped to be. Nothing I did was perfect, so how could I be a perfectionist? I've come to see that differently. Your being able to launch this site on the eve of your mother's visit is HUGE--all of us 'perfectionists' can recognize that and it gives us all great hope and encouragement. Thank you Jan! Very big hugs.
Sharmilla,
The way you have explained a room of your own in the physical (as a writing room) and in the emotional (sacred space within) is just stunning. Thank you for that. And I am so glad to hear that self-respect, boundaries, and setting limits is in your line of vision. Wonderful. Congratulations!
Angela,
I adore your cookbook story. It is such a perfect example of how we keep hunting for the best and may never be satisfied. An issue for so many of us. Thank you for your sharing with such candor. :-)
Nadia,
Believing in ourselves, oh, that is such a significant one. But I love your process here. As you heard yourself say that out loud, it caused a shift in awareness in you. Grande!
Tess,
Welcome! This is a very powerful correlation you make between procrastination and perfection. 'Tis true, our over-the-top standards can prevent us from making decisions, risking, even taking a chance on life itself.
Thank you!
Sema,
I, too, hope that this gathering of women will assist us all in being more confident and lovingly accepting of ourselves. We can take all the time we need to get comfortable. May we be gentle with ourselves and one another. :-)
Ms. PP,
Oh, that nasty gnome fear. Comes in many forms and disguises and it does hold us back from living as our truest selves. Happy to hear that you are shining a bright light on any fear that may come to call.
Mermaid, my friend, how I love this poem to yourself. It is brilliantly beautiful. I hope you have a fabulous time at Spirit Rock and that your inner light will guide you toward the inner peace and love you desire more of. I am accompanying you in spirit. Enjoy!
Helena,
Welcome. I agree that aging brings such gifts, among which is clarity and a desire to live more simply--without the pressures of being inauthentic just to please others. I am glad you are in this place in your life.
Blessings to all of you. Thank you for your heartfelt responses today as well as your soulful answers. My heart continues to dance! More tomorrow. Mom is here and family time is important. Love, love...
Jan, this promises to be a very nice blog. The idea of women having a place of their own to go to reminds me of my high school days when I attended a Catholic school for girls. It was during the mid 1950's. The nuns had reserved a special room in the school for the girls. It was called "Pink Heaven." They had furnished it with some sofas and comfortable chairs. It had a few desks and small tables. This was a room the young girls could go to between classes or after school to relax, to read, to visit with one another, to do a variety of things.
I don't see myself as a perfectionist. At least not anymore. When I was younger, yes. I know what you mean about getting ready for "Mom's visit." I used to do the same silly thing. But I am nearly 70 years old and that is a lot of water gone under the bridge.
However I do like order and organization although you wouldn't think that if you could see my desk right now. I function better when there is order. If it were possible which it isn't because other things are more important to me, I would have a place for everything and everything would be in its place.
I gain a lot of pleasure from having done something well. A few weeks ago I threw a baby shower for my granddaughter at my home. She is expecting a little girl, my first great-grandchild. There were close to fifty women of various ages in attendance. My refreshment table was beautiful and all in pink. All the decorations were in pink...such a nice color. I outdid myself and made a variety of tea cakes and tea sandwiches for the ladies who, in turn, had a fit over them. I did much more than was needed and I loved every minute of it. It was an opportunity for me to be creative and do something special for my granddaughter.
Life is a lot about compromise and trade-offs. It is necessary for a person to think about what is most important to her in life and to prioritize her activities accordingly. I've tried to do that. A person can't do it all. Not even Martha Stuart. A person can't have it all, try as one might.
To the lady here who has a big cookbook collection, I do too. Of course I have had plenty of years to build up my collection. I am not looking for the perfect recipe though. The thing is I like to read about food. Apparently other people do too and this is why these cookbooks and cooking shows are so popular.
Many blessings on your new blog, Jan. I bet it will be a huge success.
I am so excited to bookmark this site and visit it often as I read your post and the comments made by other readers.
First off let me say "I take the Vow of Transparency" I just LOVE that.
My voice is the voice of Acceptance. That is the one that gets me every time. I want to be accepted and when I blog and don't get comments or I email and don't get a response or when I say something and get no feedback. Well, that old pattern still gets me. But I am working and growing each day and it gets harder and harder to hear.
Much Peace to you and this great venture~
Dawn
Kel,
I gratefully accept your substitute "P"--Place--how powerful. I thank you for that grace-filled offering. Just makes you feel like you can breathe...
Mary,
Welcome! I think many of us have fallen prey to that version of "P." Trying to change others to fit our standards. It does create difficulty, as you say. So here's to a new beginning, with breathing room and permission (another great "P" word!) for all...
Julie,
I am sorry to hear that you "failed" at this weigh-in, but what I hope will happen is that you will realign yourself with the priority of good self-care. We ALL need good self-care. It is alright to put ourselves first in this arena. We must be healthy so that those around us can be too. :-) I can use more exercise by the way, too! (wink) Hug...
Joanne,
As usual you put it so beautifully. "Is there anything more beautiful than the truth in seeing our flaws?" I agree and I bow to your wisdom....Thank you for this lovely reminder.
Sharon,
I think we must really need to say goodbye to the "Martha Stewart" voice once and for all, don't you? Nice to know we are kindred in this way. :-) Be well!
Jan you do such beautiful, generous work. What a lovely room you are creating here. I will venture back often to be reminded of wholeness, and of the sisterhood we live in. Love to You! Ingrid
Stoneweaver,
Such a transparent response! Thank you. The issue of the anger of another preventing us from being our true self is a big one. Women are naturally peacemakers and we do not do conflict well...My highest hope for you is that you will find the strength to be 'real' with your friend. "I feel" statements in communication do help.
Communicating with a sense of inner calm brings clarity of thought and emotion, which births wisdom. But, truly, before we even get to that wise place, we do have to find the courage within us to speak up. Not always easy, but it is transformative! Holding you in heart and thought as you do this...
Rebecca,
Well the "P" word is one that does take time to navigate. Our cultures--esp. media--put so much pressure out there for women to be everything--beautiful, thin, savvy, sexy, smart, clean house, great cook and more. Superwomen! I believe it causes us great harm...With kindness to self we can overcome much of this. I am glad to hear that you are on this path...
Susie Q,
What a wise woman you are! Of course, as you say, age does help. We learn to let go of so many things and hone in on what matters.
The party that you gave with your heart and soul sounds wonderful. Wish I could have been there to savor all the pink and eat your tea cakes! You are a woman of true grace...
Dawn,
Welcome! I love that word-Acceptance-and love that you are saying it to yourself more and more. This is so important on our journey into our truest selves. Self-doubt keeps us from en-joying ourselves and our lives, from so many things. May you continue to embrace yourself as you are.
Ingrid,
Hello, love, glad you are here. Come visit our room anytime. We welcome your wise presence. Yes, we ARE holy and whole women. May we not forget...
I'm reading "The Hours" about Virginia Woolf right now! Yesterday I started in on it and it described her committing suicide. In this bit of fiction she said she felt like she failed.
Isn't that the ultimate fear?
Honestly, I deal with it every day.
But at least I know what it is and where it comes from. And have the tools to defeat it, 'cause it's so delusional.
Hope your new blog brings great insight and peace to many.
All the best,
Laura
Jan,
My first thought is that I definitely followed you over to your new blog. I am so glad to be here! I haven't known any like minded women, but now in my life we seem to be finding each other--I find the more open I am online, someone pops right up in life as well:)
I too struggle with perfection, because throughout life I've been repeatedly told I am not enough..from my mom to my ex husband, to my exboyfriend. Even worse than being told though, was being shown by these people, day after day, how little I was valued. I'm fortunate I had a huge balance of kind, supportive people and a huge faith that told me yes I am worthy, and I am enough. I find it's very fun to validate:)
I think I may have passed perfection on to my children so I told them that lately our job is to purposely make mistakes...purposely burn the pancake, purposely scribble, purposely do whatever...to show us that mistakes are common and doable, and fixable. And how much we learn from making them. At first it was tough for me to purposely mess up, went against every fiber in my being, now I'm much more relaxed; I am sure it helps me in all areas of life.
Laura,
Thanks for being here. What you state is so important—awareness—transparency about what our patterns are, or how we get sucked into our ego messages. This is so important in our journey of awakening because only then can we release all that holds us back from being our truest selves. I am happy you are aware of yours...With that, anything is possible.
Joy,
What an insightful approach to helping your kids let go of any notions of perfection that might be forming. Good for you! And I think you are right. This will carry over into so many areas of life.
Enjoy this wonderful time with your mother, Jan! Laugh, love, smile at one another until your cheeks hurt. Hug and hold and be grateful. Such blessings!
A short list of the voices that keep me from embracing my enoughness (you want transparent, after all):
- Weight - I walk daily, do yoga a few times each week, eat healthyfully, practice self-care. I long for the slender body I once had; this body makes me want to be invisible, to not date when asked out, to not want to buy clothes. I allow it to limit me because the body I see in the mirror is not the body that I *feel* within me.
- Unemployment - I was laid off six months ago; thought I'd land a new position within a month or two. Although I submit apps every week, have had several good interviews, connect with everyone in my network of colleagues, I haven't landed a job yet. I'm eating into my savings. I am a positive, happy, hope-filled person, but this situation is eroding my self-confidence. Am I not good enough for these positions? I AM good enough, I know. It's just not where I'm supposed to be just yet. I'll continue to trust in the Divine and know that I am loved and will land where I'm supposed to land.
Wanted to add: I love the term "Wild Women." It reminds me of John O'Donohue's "The Divine Imagination" where he talks about how chaotic God is, not orderly and refined, but wild, unrestrained, without limits.
Rose,
Thank you for your sharing. This is a difficult place you find yourself in career-wise, but I am very happy to hear this voice of trust about your journey. It sounds like time of significant transition. The task is often to find some semblance of peace during these insecure times.
I commend you for the strides you are making in making peace with body issues and more. We are all a work in progress. Yet, in any given moment, we are enough. Blessings to you!
This is a Wonderful Place! It reminds me of a "CIRCLE" which takes place in a yert (if I've got that spelled right?). Circle is a place where women of the earth gahter, drum, chant, meditate, learn, and communicate with each other, always honoring the great Mother Earth and each other. I found it to be a place of enlightenment among women without fear of judgement. I feel this place will be very similar; one of Comfort, Enlightenment, knowledge and Love. You are a wonderful Spiritual, leader and teacher for/of the soul. Thank You for creating a place for us to visit, communicate and learn togehter. Love and Light, Nina P
Jan
I LOVE the root and concept of your new blog. Congratulations! I have been "consciously" on the path of awakening for awhile now, but it is not always easy to find community.
As usual, your posts always give me something to think about. There is a voice of "not enough" up there. I don't know where it comes from. My mother and father did not overburden us with "getting everything right". I'm slowly learning how to let go, but I have a long way to go.
Kat
Nina,
I have been blessed—and it sounds like you have too—to have been part of women's circles. Safe places where we can express our spirits and raise our voices. I do love the concept and embrace this idea that came to me to create one on the web. :) I am glad you are here with us.
Kat,
So good to hear that you are aware of that voice of "not enough." I do think that it can be sourced in our families of origin (or schools or rel. institutions) but it seem to me that there is a very big (but subtle) voice that rings throughout most of our cultures—esp. patriarchal ones—which perpetuates this. So being aware of it is very good and choosing an alternative path is even better. (wink) Glad you are here.!
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